The Carmelite Nun

 I could have given her more respect and expressed my gratitude deeply if I had asked for her name. I was in total mess that time, mentally and physically. I couldn’t even recall how I ended up in the footstep of that small church away from the noise of the city and in the middle of a barren land.

I kneeled on the pew near the side door of the church. It was a quiet afternoon. I was the only one around and those statues that seemed to be joining me in sad state otherwise they are staring at me with judging eyes. Knelt there for quite a while until my knees hurt. Stepped out by the side door and I saw a small room that looked like an information room with its door ajar. I was badly in need of an answer from someone who knows more about the subject I want to talk about.  I took a peek in the room and a young boy, in his twenties, saw me. He told me that the nuns are having their afternoon breaks and I could come back before 5 o’clock that afternoon. I apologised for pulling him away from doing his chores. He might have seen some desperation in my eyes or maybe he was just simply hospitable as what a true Christian should be. He offered me a seat and said he would ask the nun who was doing some decoration in the adoration room. I was left on my own for a short while. What am I thinking? What will I say to the nun? I’m not sure where to start.

I didn’t notice her standing beside me. I was a bit startled when she spoke. “How are you?”, her voice soft and low. I was going to stand up but she motioned her hand telling me to stay seated. She sat on the chair on my right hand side. She pushed it so that she will be slightly facing me. “What can I do for you?” her voice ever so soft. I told her I am searching for answers. Then I started with how I lost my mother just few weeks ago, the questions that churn in my mind every second of the day and even worst at night when it felt like I was the only one awake in this massive lonely world.

 

 

I told her many things. Regrets, doubts, failures, my own beliefs. But mainly I think I talked about my doubts in God and His existence. I told her how I feel so forgotten and so unrecognised. I was talking between sobbing and snorting. Noticing that I have ran out of tissue paper, she handed me a plain white, crisp, nicely folded handkerchief. I refused to take it because it would be embarrassing to wipe my tears and my nose with that blessed hanky. She insisted.

She said very gently, holding my hand, that I am one of those lucky ones. Amazed, I asked her, “Lucky? Me? How?”. She said because of my doubts, I am always searching for Him. My search will bring me to places where I might not have the answers instantly but the process will bring healing at the same time. And with healing comes understanding which apparently gives way to God to enter my life in subtle and mysterious way.

I started with those words. Every day I searched for answers, I searched for my place, if there’s one, in His heart. It wasn’t easy, the journey wasn’t comfortable and pleasing but I’m sure I’ll get there. I wish I knew that nun’s name because she helped me start my healing and I want to thank her because I feel that I’m almost near my destination. I can see from where I am now the answer. In her own special way, she was God-sent.

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In God’s Time

In our life there is someone who greatly affects our life and shapes our personality. Someone who we will always look up to. A special someone where we get our courage and strength specially in our darkest hours and who we want to first break the news of our accomplishments or even just a little good news. Those special people whom we get inspiration from and sometimes we aim and strive hard to sort of impress. For me, it was my mother.
She was my best friend ever, a very loyal fan and my life mentor, even if she isn’t around any more. All that I know and that I am is because of her. It was just unfortunate of me to have had her for such a short time. Such a shame that we weren’t destined to share this life more than how we did. I believe there is a plan on all of these. Somewhere, somehow, sometime I will get to know that plan.

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What Makes You Happy?

Sometimes, we don’t realise that time is passing by on us. We just carry on doing our stuff at work or our daily routines at home and we are so preoccupied with mundane tasks that we are forgetting to stop for a while and think about what makes us happy. You might say, “oh, I know what makes me happy!” Well, we all do. What I’m trying to say is do we stop and try to do what makes us happy?
Most of us cannot afford to stop for a while and ponder on how to do this. I am guilty of that. For me, everyday is a run of the mill. Work, sleep, work. That is my routine, sadly. I don’t blame my work for impeding my happiness because I NEED my work for daily survival. You know, for bread and butter. Without the money coming in from my work, I won’t be able to give the children education which is very expensive from where I come from. I should have saved hard enough when I was younger. My biggest mistake ever…
What will make me happy is really not very expensive, though. Here are some of the things I am hankering for:
1. A time alone at the beach;
2. A time to concoct a new dish I will be proud of myself;
3. To improve my writing;
4. A good quality time with my partner.
See, I don’t need a fortune to do the things that will make me happy but the trouble is TIME.

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Found You, At Last

 

I have been asking myself ages ago what my purpose in life is. I have always felt that there is something that I should be doing that best describes who I am. Something that would make me feel satisfied and proud of me. I have always wondered when this hollow, empty part of me that is searching for the unknown be filled. Then I started to put words on paper. Words don’t come available all the time. Too many words, but I can’t seem to find the right one. People who have been there long time ago ahead of me say “…don’t wait; don’t think of what to write…just write”. So I heed the message and it felt good. My life has changed since. Now, all the pain and sadness stare me in the eyes and I don’t feel inferior any more. I am no longer afraid of them because I know I can defeat them by just putting them on pages and forget all about them. So the more words I can write, the more fear I can defeat…more fear I can withstand…the stronger I will be. In the end, I will have no fear…

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ONLY IN MY DREAMS

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image: blog.novica.com

I saw her in my dream last night…

 We were in a church ground. There seems like a religious celebration going on. We were sat there, side by side, watching the celebration. I glanced at her once in a while, checking up on her if she is okay. She looked weak and poorly. Then a group of dark skies loomed over us. Wind blows signalling a coming rain. She wanted me to go ahead and take her grandchildren home before the rain falls. I refused to leave her on her own; not in that state of health and weather condition.

 She held my hand and I looked in her eyes. Without any spoken words I sensed that she was worried and was begging me to take the kids home. I have never let her worry nor begged in my life, so I gave in. I hugged her tightly for quite a while. Then I felt that she gently pulled away from me; I sensed that she wanted us to go. I understood that she was worried about the children getting soaked in rain. I stood and slowly walked away from her. I glanced at her over my shoulder, but she pretend not to look at us. But I know, from the corner of her eyes she will see us through. Walking away I know I will not see her again, it was so hard to bear. My chest was so heavy, my heart was pumping. And I was crying.

I woke up, and I felt the terrible pain of missing her. Then again, I cried…

I miss you, Mum.

 

 

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For You

This is for you….
You know who you are;
the love of my life.

I always wonder
how it would feel
to walk around the town
holding your hand.

You have this effect on me,
just thinking about you,
My smiles are crazy.

How long has it been now?
almost two centuries;
I knew it from the start
my decision was smart.

Hot nights,cold nights
It doesn’t matter really
when our hands are clasped together
the feeling is wild summer.

This is a dedication
of my heart to yours,
I want it be known
I am forever yours

To Life and Peace! Cheers!!

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It is the End When…

   
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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image: hdwall
 
 When you see the love between you slowly drifting away. After putting all your effort and your trust in a relationship and see it walking away out of the door, slowly, everyday. It is when the nicest and purest of all intentions was perceived as controlling and choking. It is when you try to explain your side and the other person sees it as just another debate you want to win.

   
  You know it is the end when after having done everything you think will save the relationship and still failed. Sad and bitter when there is nothing left to do that will revive the dying emotions. When both of you had done all the best you could but still not enough. When you agreed that the best thing left to do, for each one to be happy and free, is to part ways. 
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A New Beginning

Tulips

 

Dear Lord,

It’s Easter Sunday. Resurrection. A time for new beginning. New life.

For me, it’s a time to take stock of my life and consider what needs to be weeded out and what needs to be planted. I need new priorities. The old one sucks and obviously not productive, both to me and my loved ones. I can’t bring back the time so I must make better use of the remaining.

Lord, guide me in this new beginning. Please help me make the right choice and stick with it. Thank you for the gift of redemption, and with your resurrection comes a new chance on everything. Thank you for this gift.

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Circle of Trust

What just happened? We used to be so open to each other. No secrets. That is our agreement. The thousand miles that separates us did not seem to matter. We chat every minute we got the chance,every day. We talk just about everything to make it feel like we are living together. That was our agreement, our set up,wasn’t it? But lately, communication has been bad. First, I thought it was just because you are busy preparing for the coming Christmas parties and all that family stuff. I presumed that you are all over the place sorting out everything needed for the family gatherings. Then, I found out something. You are keeping secrets. If I had not confronted you, I would not have known because you would not tell me.

I’m glad that you didn’t deny it when I confronted you, I will give you that. You said you were worried that I might not let you do it, that I might not understand your plan and would be upset with it. So you kept it secret. God knows I tried,and still trying to rationalize all the facts that you’ve told me. It is not a crime of the century what you’ve done neither a thing that should brake up a happy marriage, but there is a tiny thing that pinches my heart and my pride. It is the most important ingredient in a relationship, without  this everything will be in chaos, and that is TRUST

Some people can easily forgive those who betrayed their trust. I t doesn’t seem to be a big thing for them. How they do it, I don’t know, I wish I do. But sadly, I am not some people, I wish I was. I would rather you told me straight away. Okay, fair enough, I’m stubborn, hot-headed,selfish, controlling freak. In case you haven’t noticed, I am also a protective freak!

Yes, I am very protective of all the people I love and I vowed to do it as long as I am alive and able. I always make sure you are all safe. I am doing my best to make sure you are all okay,happy,protected from hurt both physically and emotionally. How blind can you be not to see that? How dare you! In all those years we have been together, I thought you have known me inside and out. Guess I was wrong. Why did you not think that I would be upset being lied to? Being disrespected?

You should have taken the risk of being open to me. I would have understand. Of all people, why would I not be happy that you are taking big steps in your life. I tried so hard to convince you that you have potentials, I tried so hard to make you realize that you are far more better than any of your siblings. You, among everyone else, should have known that I would understand. It is what I have always done and will always do.

Now, what happens next? I can not give you back my whole trust. You broke the circle of trust. And that circle, if you really know me, is my sanctuary. You know that,don’t you?

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Sorrow

Here I go again, feeling so low today. I don’t understand why. I just couldn’t understand. It feels so lonely. Past keeps coming back. Memories, painful ones. I feel so broken. Lost. So many things going on and on in my head. Non-stop. I have told them to stop or at least, be kind and take turns. Each fighting another as to who gets entertained first. Pain. Sadness. I thought I have fought them over. I even thought I won the battle. But why do they keep on coming back? They seem to enjoy my company. They just won’t leave me alone. Sadness is so miserable that she is aching to come out and burst in the form of ever flowing tears. And pain, he just like to lash out on anything he would get hold of. Like a rebel, he just wants to go against anything. He is yearning for something that my poor brain cannot comprehend. It can’t interpret what pain is trying to say. My body can’t even locate where the pain is. It is just sore. Very sore. I wish they would go away. Permanently. Not possible? Well at least give me a chance to recover from the last one. It is just too much. Unbearable.

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